If I Only Wrote For Myself

In reflecting recently I’ve realized that I cater to the reader more than myself in my writing. In some ways this is a great, commendable thing. In other ways this has certainly limited my means of expression. Which is counterintuitive to my pursuit of being limitless in all things. It also presents an ironic incompleteness in my aim for complete transparency. As though I can only take my honesty to a certain point until it no longer becomes helpful.

Yes, I have already been more honest than most people would ever dare to be. And perhaps that has served as an excuse for me to not take my honesty to its heaviest places. The places where, truthfully, most of my thinking actually dwells. For unmistakable reasons I have a heavy soul, which inevitably leads to heavy thoughts. Thankfully I am filled with the perfect Spirit who lightens the load, though. Even so, an epic war between the flesh and spirit wages in my soul.

The fact is, if I only wrote for myself my writing would likely present as rather depressing. Not to me; For me it would assuredly be a sweet release. But, because I write for others too, I worry that doing so would lead my readers to despair. It is my fear that divulging the entire trueness of my experiences could distract the reader from what is actually true. After all, “my truth” should never, can never, take precedence over The Truth.

Fortunately, I don’t believe the Lord means for me to carry this concern. In fact, I know He doesn’t. The Holy Spirit is the one working in people’s lives; He can use anything to bring forth any necessary growth and change in any individual. And that includes using my (and your) deepest, most honest grievings, even the ones that are partially or entirely untrue. They feel true, but they don’t properly reflect the gospel truth. Yet, it’s okay to express such desperate grievings. Sometimes it’s what’s required for us to keep pressing onward. It allows for a sort of reset.

With these things being said, expect my writings to be even more honest going forward. No more holding back. Instead of fearing that my heaviest expressions will lead readers astray, my greatest concern has become that my holding back would in some way hinder the Spirit’s movement in others. I dare not do that. I desire that the Lord would use every part of me, including my most honest feelings and experiences, to advance the Kingdom in the lives of others. He desires to do so as well. That’s what the plan of redemption is all about!

By the restorative power of the Savior, every ugly thing that submits to Him is made beautiful. The Redeemer uses whatever follows this pattern without fail. We see it all over scripture. We especially see it in the parts of scripture known as literature and/or psalms of lament. This is a biblical writing style that does just what I mean to do with my own writing. Just what I have been describing here. These pieces of lament in God’s Word are the recordings of the most honest feelings of grievance felt by God-fearing, God-worshiping men.

Among other passages, the books of Job, Ecclesiastes, Lamentations, as well as many of the Psalms of David are (or include) examples of this biblical genre. Because I won’t go through an exhaustive list of quotations here, I encourage you to read these parts of scripture on your own time! Believe me, it won’t be hard for you to spot the style.

Literature of lament consists of some of the most shocking, head-scratching, heart-wrenching portions of the Bible. So much so that they wouldn’t seem to belong in the book of the divine. To the uninformed reader these writings would understandably appear to be incessant lists of complaints. But that would be the wrong prognosis. The sentiment of these pieces is sincere confusion at circumstances amidst a fervent desire to faithfully follow God. A heart of turmoil that seeks to trust. The purpose of these pieces is to release tension and return to, or grow in, submissive worship.

That is what I hope to do with my writing. To bear my soul clearly and fully that I may be shaped into the image of Christ as he means for me. Literature of lament is a form of writing that enables this process. I face many, many seasons where it is and will be necessary. Much like God’s Word though, I won’t exclusively write in this style. There is much more to be explored. But at the end of the day, my art exists beyond myself; it is not merely expressions of me; it exists to establish Kingdom come. Arrived, and still arriving.

“The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the LORD delivers him out of them all.” – Psalm ‭34:18-19‬

“Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Even so, I will defend my own ways before Him.” – Job‬ ‭13:15‬

“For I know that my Redeemer lives, And He shall stand at last on the earth; And after my skin is destroyed, this I know, That in my flesh I shall see God,” – Job‬ ‭19:25-26‬

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.” – Habakkuk‬ ‭3:17-18‬ ‭(NIV‬‬)

“It seems to me that we do not need to be taught how to lament since we have so many models in Scripture. What we need is simply the assurance that it’s okay to lament. We all carry deep within ourselves a pressurized reservoir of tears. It takes only the right key at the right time to unlock them. In God’s perfect time, these tears can be released to form a healing flood. That’s the beauty and the mystery of the prayer of lament.” – Michael Card