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Switching Saddles

I recently got a new wheelchair. No big deal. Wrong! It’s an incredibly big deal. For so many reasons that are beyond the comprehension of masses merely because of a lack of experience. Unless you’ve been here and gone through this, you honestly have no idea just how drastically difficult it is to make this transition. A transition that virtually changes every single aspect of my life. That may sound like a bit of an exaggeration, but it isn’t, not in the least.

When you spend six years in one chair that happens to be your only means of transportation, you inevitably get pretty used to it. You get comfortable in it. Over time you’ve made all of the possible and necessary adjustments to the chair so that it would properly suit your body. Maybe it wasn’t perfect, things hardly ever are, but you did what you were able to in order to accommodate your needs and preferences.

Make sense? Good. Logically, once you get a new wheelchair you have to restart this whole personalization process. Does that sound annoying? Maybe just a little frustrating? Yes, yes it does. It can be taxing on so many levels, even emotionally. In fact, I remember the last time I made a wheelchair upgrade that the painful perplexion of the adjustment left me privately weeping inconsolably on one occasion.

I was much younger then, and still being in the throes of adolescent maturation the strain of the circumstance was compounded. This wasn’t something other teenagers even had to remotely deal with. As a whole we all deal with quite enough at that age, but once again I felt as though my additional burdens were too much to bear. I was already desperately trying to fit into life, and now I had to try and fit into an unfamiliar chair. An ordeal most disheartening because at that point I believed I was getting the hang of coping with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. Thus, the shock of such a restart violently jolted my existence.

Older and wiser now, I gratefully haven’t been affected to the same extent during my current acclimation. Nonetheless, there is still an unmistakable amount of lingering strain associated with the transition. The lengthy, tedious, and painstaking operation of alteration obviously remains. More than that, the need for further adaptation and orientation never seems to end. Even moreso, the agony is found in the grief accompanied by the reminder of my general state. Daily I do my best to clear my mind of my evident suffering, but the task of the circumstance makes that nearly impossible. In this case there’s nowhere to go, the affliction is ever present. Uniquely its own is the toll this does take.

So what does one possibly glean from this whole experience? Let me relate it to you by first of all explaining that I’ve gotten virtually nothing physically done during these several weeks of change. To my instinctually impatient and worrisome soul this is akin to a nightmare. Fortunately, in God’s faithful tradition of redemption, this period of time ought not to be seen as so. The Father, by the love of His Son and the power of His Spirit, has actively used every seemingly idle moment in my season of extended inaction.

He has used the season and its moments in a myriad of measurable ways. Ways that I have gradually recognized and been supremely comforted by at each recognition. I initially noticed increased self-control and discipline in the face of temptation. I still have progress to make, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I’ve seen an improvement. I have also become aware of the Lord’s intention to instill a more mature sort of patience in me during this time. The fulfillment of that intent is apparent as well. I have seen it in my posture while waiting and have heard it in my speech while responding. But again, more work needs to be done as I am nowhere near perfection.

The final, and perhaps most important, use of the season I’ve seen has been the bolstering of my faith in a brand new way through recently attained as well as former, now strengthened, relationships. The recently attained have encouraged and affirmed me in ways that I could never expect from friendships so young. Brothers and sisters in Christ whom the Lord has specially gifted to me at this present moment. So impactful has this precious gift been that its goodness has overflowed into my longer lasting friendships. The cause of the newer’s effect has been a better use of my moments spent in the presence of the older. The translation; realer conversations and more meaningful interactions.

I thank my God for all that He has done during this period! And with that this season of ceasing comes to an end.

“To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, And a time to throw away; A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; A time to love, And a time to hate; A time of war, And a time of peace.” – Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:1-8‬

“…being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;” – Philippians‬ ‭1:6‬

“…that the sharing of your faith may become effective by the acknowledgment of every good thing which is in you in Christ Jesus. For we have great joy and consolation in your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed by you, brother.” – ‭Philemon‬ ‭1:6-7‬

Taming the Horse

Horses are wild and unruly creatures until they are tamed through an arduous process of training. Their laborious taming is accomplished through a combination of tools and commands. The tools used by the trainer are equipment including bits, reigns, saddles, and the like. The tools exist to train the horse into a certain level of control. The commands used by the trainer are both verbal and physical. The commands exist to train the horse to fulfill a specific purpose and to go a certain direction.

The trainer has a thorough, effective plan which implements both tools and commands to achieve the desired control and purpose in the horse. There are times the obstinate horse simply can’t stand the plan, as well thought out as it is. The horse has another plan of its own that it undyingly prefers. A rather foolish plan to run wild and free. The trainer offers a time and place for this, but to endlessly remain there would be quite frivolous. What’s the point of freedom if there’s no greater purpose to take part in?

I viscerally relate to this horse-taming process. Much like a wild horse, I am an adventurous explorer at heart. For the most part this is a beautiful thing, but given no boundaries it becomes a dangerous thing. Like any wild horse I am equally stubborn as I am majestic. The result is “living wild and free” translating to trying anything and everything that attracts me. Sounds like a good enough plan. Except, it’s not at all. Someone must train me to go a better way. A way of perfect purpose and control.

God is the perfect trainer taming the reckless horse in me. Just like any horse trainer, He uses both tools and commands to create His desired change in you and me. Instead of saddles or reigns, the tools He chose for me are a wheelchair and a thing called Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. Keep in mind, the tools the Lord provides are unique for every man. On the other hand, the commands the Lord provides are universal to every man. His proverbial verbal commands are found in His unfailing Word. His physical commands come in the form of the faithful guidance of Christian brothers and sisters.

At first glance my personal training tools may seem cruel, but soon you’ll see that they have actually proved quite necessary. I am convinced, nigh certain that, I require such a significant amount of taming that the Lord had no better option than to employ such severe means. “Really?!”, you ask. Yes, really! Would you be surprised to hear that I naturally think more highly of myself than I ought to? As far as I’m concerned, muscular dystrophy removed, I’d be the coolest, funniest, smartest, most passionate, most attractive guy in any room. Understand I’m not exaggerating, so prideful is this heart on its own.

Were this the immediate version of me, would I easily see my essential Savior need? Not only that, would I have a consistent, true regard for the wisdom of restraint whatever the scenario may be? Would I without such obvious, desperate need have real, selfless compassion for the fellow needy? I would have to argue no to all of these. Not absolutely, at the least. Perhaps I’d have become aware of these gospel realities by some other means, but not as fully as He meant for me. Only God holds the answer to that mystery. And who am I to disagree with how things are and apparently must be?

I am no one worthy of that way of thinking. And neither are you. The Lord alone has the sovereign authority to deem what is necessary. I trust that DMD was just the inerrant catalyst He required to best break me. To teach me to know that life is not about me. My life is about serving God and revealing His character to the world. The same goes for you. We exist for His glory, and rightfully so. He is our Creator and has the right to shape us as He accepts us into His fold.

The glory of the Lord is immeasurably greater than the glory of any created thing. Greater than the horse. Greater than His image-bearers, man. “He does not delight in the strength of the horse; He takes no pleasure in the legs of a man.” (Psalm ‭147:10‬) The powers and talents of creation are worthless without Him. They are of no use until they are brought under submission. So He takes us, He breaks us, He tames us and remakes us.

In my case, my charisma was partially crushed so I wouldn’t misuse it, so I wouldn’t abuse it, and so I wouldn’t be destroyed by it. That’s not to say that the tools won’t someday soon be removed; but if I had more physical freedom I believe I would have gone the way of Solomon, testing the limits of money, power, fame, and sexuality. Leaving destruction in my wake. Feeling like life had been a waste. By God’s wisdom and grace He protected me from needless pain and certain disgrace. Though painful life’s still been, I’m grateful it has mostly remained within.

I think to Hebrews 12:5-6, “My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; For whom the LORD loves He chastens, And scourges every son whom He receives.” When most read this they assume that every rebuke or chastening is a punishment. Occasionally that’s the case, yet we find there’s more to these words in the original text being quoted, Proverbs 3:11-12, “My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, Nor detest His correction; For whom the LORD loves He corrects, Just as a father the son in whom he delights.” After reading this, it should become our understanding that the term chasten merely means to correct.

I am comforted to remember that my disease does not exist because of me. It exists for me! So I refuse to despise when I am chastened. I choose to never be discouraged when I’m rebuked. I know the Lord loves whom He corrects, so I welcome His correction. I also understand not every correction is a punishment, even when they may come as hard-taught, hard-won lessons. It’s true that “no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews‬ ‭12:11‬)

As I pursue God’s path of submission I’m also reminded of Proverbs 15:31, “The ear that hears the rebukes of life will abide among the wise.” From this verse we learn that those who seek wisdom listen carefully to correction. However it may come. The wise comprehend the concept that the precious instruction of heartache produces powerful perseverance. Perseverance that produces Christ-like character.

Much of the plan of submission is a means of instilling the specific character trait of meekness found in Matthew 5:5, “Blessed are the meek, For they shall inherit the earth.” I love Colin Smith’s definition of the meekness described here. He says, “Meekness is strength brought under control through submission.” Is that not the perfect description of a fully tamed horse? And isn’t it true that a poised and powerful horse, trained in its ways, is one of the most beautiful things in nature?

When we are made meek we are made to resemble the same magnificence as the mighty and mild-mannered horse. Who wouldn’t want to experience and enjoy such an outcome? I certainly want to. In turn, I desire that the Lord would continue His work of taming the horse in me unto completion. May the ultimate result be the walking out of Philippians 2:3-4, “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

If I Only Wrote For Myself

In reflecting recently I’ve realized that I cater to the reader more than myself in my writing. In some ways this is a great, commendable thing. In other ways this has certainly limited my means of expression. Which is counterintuitive to my pursuit of being limitless in all things. It also presents an ironic incompleteness in my aim for complete transparency. As though I can only take my honesty to a certain point until it no longer becomes helpful.

Yes, I have already been more honest than most people would ever dare to be. And perhaps that has served as an excuse for me to not take my honesty to its heaviest places. The places where, truthfully, most of my thinking actually dwells. For unmistakable reasons I have a heavy soul, which inevitably leads to heavy thoughts. Thankfully I am filled with the perfect Spirit who lightens the load, though. Even so, an epic war between the flesh and spirit wages in my soul.

The fact is, if I only wrote for myself my writing would likely present as rather depressing. Not to me; For me it would assuredly be a sweet release. But, because I write for others too, I worry that doing so would lead my readers to despair. It is my fear that divulging the entire trueness of my experiences could distract the reader from what is actually true. After all, “my truth” should never, can never, take precedence over The Truth.

Fortunately, I don’t believe the Lord means for me to carry this concern. In fact, I know He doesn’t. The Holy Spirit is the one working in people’s lives; He can use anything to bring forth any necessary growth and change in any individual. And that includes using my (and your) deepest, most honest grievings, even the ones that are partially or entirely untrue. They feel true, but they don’t properly reflect the gospel truth. Yet, it’s okay to express such desperate grievings. Sometimes it’s what’s required for us to keep pressing onward. It allows for a sort of reset.

With these things being said, expect my writings to be even more honest going forward. No more holding back. Instead of fearing that my heaviest expressions will lead readers astray, my greatest concern has become that my holding back would in some way hinder the Spirit’s movement in others. I dare not do that. I desire that the Lord would use every part of me, including my most honest feelings and experiences, to advance the Kingdom in the lives of others. He desires to do so as well. That’s what the plan of redemption is all about!

By the restorative power of the Savior, every ugly thing that submits to Him is made beautiful. The Redeemer uses whatever follows this pattern without fail. We see it all over scripture. We especially see it in the parts of scripture known as literature and/or psalms of lament. This is a biblical writing style that does just what I mean to do with my own writing. Just what I have been describing here. These pieces of lament in God’s Word are the recordings of the most honest feelings of grievance felt by God-fearing, God-worshiping men.

Among other passages, the books of Job, Ecclesiastes, Lamentations, as well as many of the Psalms of David are (or include) examples of this biblical genre. Because I won’t go through an exhaustive list of quotations here, I encourage you to read these parts of scripture on your own time! Believe me, it won’t be hard for you to spot the style.

Literature of lament consists of some of the most shocking, head-scratching, heart-wrenching portions of the Bible. So much so that they wouldn’t seem to belong in the book of the divine. To the uninformed reader these writings would understandably appear to be incessant lists of complaints. But that would be the wrong prognosis. The sentiment of these pieces is sincere confusion at circumstances amidst a fervent desire to faithfully follow God. A heart of turmoil that seeks to trust. The purpose of these pieces is to release tension and return to, or grow in, submissive worship.

That is what I hope to do with my writing. To bear my soul clearly and fully that I may be shaped into the image of Christ as he means for me. Literature of lament is a form of writing that enables this process. I face many, many seasons where it is and will be necessary. Much like God’s Word though, I won’t exclusively write in this style. There is much more to be explored. But at the end of the day, my art exists beyond myself; it is not merely expressions of me; it exists to establish Kingdom come. Arrived, and still arriving.

“The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the LORD delivers him out of them all.” – Psalm ‭34:18-19‬

“Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Even so, I will defend my own ways before Him.” – Job‬ ‭13:15‬

“For I know that my Redeemer lives, And He shall stand at last on the earth; And after my skin is destroyed, this I know, That in my flesh I shall see God,” – Job‬ ‭19:25-26‬

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.” – Habakkuk‬ ‭3:17-18‬ ‭(NIV‬‬)

“It seems to me that we do not need to be taught how to lament since we have so many models in Scripture. What we need is simply the assurance that it’s okay to lament. We all carry deep within ourselves a pressurized reservoir of tears. It takes only the right key at the right time to unlock them. In God’s perfect time, these tears can be released to form a healing flood. That’s the beauty and the mystery of the prayer of lament.” – Michael Card