Weary Soul Come Home

I have been weary lately. And I have finally figured out why. Rather, have been reminded of why, actually. A reminder that one would think I’d no longer need. I know everything I’m about to iterate, in fact I’ve known the following for quite some time. It’s really nothing new. But it’s undoubtedly worth sharing this fresh articulation of the truths to come.

I have been weary because I have been unintentionally, yet naturally, self-reliant as of late. This belief that we can, even must, do everything for ourselves, and do it on our own, is one of humanity’s most unfortunate default settings. It’s also one of our most misinformed default settings. The presupposition totally ignores the basic biblical principles of grace. That we owe God everything and can offer Him nothing, while He owes us nothing and has offered us everything. And, as follows suit, we can’t do anything without Him. We can try, but we’ll fail to do it well.

Self-reliance is a mindset we all easily fall into. A deceiving mindset that is unequivocally wrong, foolish, and untrue. It is wrong because we have relationships with God and man available to us which we can freely access to accomplish things. It is foolish because it causes us to eventually break down in exhaustion and disillusion. And it is untrue because it neglects to acknowledge the fact that we are broken and in need of a Savior.

Even knowing these truths, I wandered straight into this type of mindset. My faltering into a self-reliant belief pattern was an unconscious one though. It is not a place I want to be in, so I certainly wouldn’t do so consciously. Yet, it took place anyways. And it took the lead of my actions for a season. A season I am grateful the Lord’s active grace is now gradually bringing to an end.

The revealing factor of my stroll into self-sufficiency was the realization that I have not been praying while I work as much as I once did. Sure, I’ve still been offering a few prayers for everything I do because I know I need God, but I haven’t been desperately relying on Him for all the strength required or for every word included in my writing. Even as I write this I struggle to make the proper adjustment. I’ve been praying more, but am not completely convinced the prayers are being answered. I’ll continue pushing towards the change, but my frustrated flesh doesn’t want to.

My flesh doesn’t want to pray; it hasn’t wanted to for a while. Prayerful God-reliance is tremendously difficult to maintain. I want the answers now and the need to patiently wait feels like it’ll kill me. It feels like it’ll kill me because every aspect of my affairs is agonizing: the getting ready, the getting motivated, the getting started, the getting finished, and the physical complications of it all. To pray fully and deeply means my being entirely aware of the agony. To receive the promised prize of peace I must first recite my plights of pain. It requires going through the hurt when I’d rather just ignore it.

That’s how and why I’ve been walking in self-reliance during this season, but it’s just one of the many ways the sin pattern can show up. It appears a little different for everyone. It appears a little different on different occasions. It even appears without appearing at all. I’m unable to describe every example because I don’t even know them all. What I do know is that there’s an antidote and I know where to find it too. In the Word.

The teaching of Jesus in ‭John‬ ‭15:1-2, 4-6 applies directly to the problem; “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit.
Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.
I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned.”‬

These words of Jesus are pretty straight-forward in my opinion. The Lord, being the greatest teacher, has a beautiful way of simplifying the most complex spiritual truths. This teaching explains to us that God the Father is the ultimate source of all things, namely, the spiritual fruit of our lives in this case. Jesus, the Son of God, is the only way to the Father (John 14:6) in whom we must be grafted in order to produce useful fruit. Abiding in, or having real, meaningful fellowship with Jesus is the only way to bring forth such results.

The people and parts of us, or the branches that produce useless or imperfect fruit must be done away with. This is done by discarding the completely disconnected and pruning away that which needs improvement. Because nothing worthwhile can be done without abiding in God and He in us, any work that is done apart from that fellowship connection cannot produce lasting fruit. It then follows that any work we personally do, even if it’s in the name of the Lord, that is done without true abidance in and with Him, whether in part or in whole, will be discarded because it won’t last.

No wonder I was finding myself plagued with weariness. No wonder I was frustrated and concerned that my recent work was seemingly being wasted. Prayer is the easiest, most practical way to abide in God and I was having a hard time doing it in depth. It’s impossible to truly abide in Christ if we aren’t continuously communing in relationship with Him. That’s all that praying is. It’s not primarily about receiving answers, but first finding a friend in Jesus. A friend, a father, a lover, a counselor all in the Holy God. Be patient, for it is then that your prayers will find answers. Abide in Him, He will abide in you!

He is the home where my weary soul belongs. Weary soul come home!

What Comes of a Good Word

I love great sermons! Great sermons give me inspiration for writing like nothing else does. A good word from The Good Word produces some great writing. The powerful words of the Lord Himself coming from the mouth of another giving further words to yet another. The Holy Spirit moving from undeserving Spirit-filled to undeserving Spirit-filled. More than a production of words, it is a miracle.

As I write, I return from hearing one such sermon. A sermon that I really needed! I needed it for essential personal growth. I also needed it because my writing has been going through a dry patch as of late. What I heard and what I learned through conviction has given me plenty to write about. It was just the spark I required to get my thoughts flowing again. And it has lit a brand new fire in me! I’m excited to present the ideas that came from it!

Amongst the body of Christ this is how proper spiritual inspiration and motivation is often born. Obedience to the call of the Lord, whatever it may be, propelling other brothers and sisters to do the same. Each individual expression of the fulfilling of the Kingdom of God spurs faithful followers on to new expressions. As we draw from the reservoir of living water that is Jesus Christ, not only are our rivers of living water replenished, but so are the rivers of fellow believers. Praise the Lord for the way His community works!

“Where is the wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the disputer of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of this world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world through wisdom did not know God, it pleased God through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe.” – 1 Corinthians‬ ‭1:20-21‬

“So Jesus said to them again, “Peace to you! As the Father has sent Me, I also send you.” And when He had said this, He breathed on them, and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit.” – John‬ ‭20:21-22‬

“There are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are differences of ministries, but the same Lord. And there are diversities of activities, but it is the same God who works all in all. But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to each one for the profit of all:” – 1 Corinthians‬ ‭12:4-7‬

“Jesus answered and said to her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water… Jesus answered and said to her, “Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”” – John‬ ‭4:10, 13-14‬

“Jesus stood and cried out, saying, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.”” – John‬ ‭7:37-38‬

Lessons In Hiding

As I previously wrote, you know that the principle of “Community through Confession” proves that exposure in fact brings us closer. It is for this reason that I am so honest in my writing. As I have grown older I have developed a policy of complete transparency. Extreme honesty is a most sincere aim of mine. This has not always been the case though. I have actually spent quite a bit of my life hiding parts of myself from the light. So I am making an effort to detail my personal lessons in hiding.

Simply put, for the longest time I hid what I deemed to be the ugliest parts of me. Parts of me I refused to admit to others existed. I was all too aware that they were there, but was too self-serving to care to reveal them. I did not mind sustaining an image that didn’t quite match with reality.

So, what is it that I had been so ashamed of that I figured it was better off hidden? It was (and still is when I’m being particularly prideful) largely my physical inadequacies and their impending implications. The obvious insufficiencies were clearly seen, so it became my goal to draw as much attention as possible away from the effects that require a little more thought to recognize. (Ironically my efforts often did the opposite.) Hiding things like heading to the restroom, because if it was noticed it would draw attention to my need for assistance.

And that was just the beginning. The hiding made its way into my avoidance of certain social interactions, the manner in which I dressed, and even the way I presented myself. I can find no words to properly detail these things in a way that would make more sense to you. That’s how irrational it truly was.

To elicit an appearance of complete normalcy required me to play quite the part. A part I didn’t actually need to play. People couldn’t care less about my differences, at least not really. And if they did that was a problem of their own.

Nonetheless, I simply didn’t trust others would even remotely understand my experiences and resulting perspective. In fact, at many points I still don’t. And why should I? I’ve been disappointed before. The selfishness that runs rampant through humanity informed my way and proved my point. But the sinful tendencies of others should’ve never dictated my behavior. My decisions to do so actually exposed my own selfishness found in my extreme self-occupation.

As I’ve said in the past, the trial of Duchenne has been an amplifier of sin. Both for me and my closest loved ones. Imagine multiple people, with differing personalities, and very different momentary priorities in mind, directly relying on each other for the simplest of daily tasks. It’s a sure recipe for nearly endless frustrated eruptions.

This emotional and relational chaos was another thing I hid. Pretending all was well in Shannonland, when we would often be holding on by a thread. What purpose would it serve if others knew? Their picture of perfect Christian perseverance would be torn in two. I wouldn’t be what I want the world to see. I wouldn’t be what they’d already assumed they’d seen in me. As you can see, I had to learn to stop taking myself so seriously.

In the end, my quest to hide my physical inadequacies revealed to me my spiritual atrocities. Covering up the outward was an extension of trying to cover up the inward. The extremity of DMD forced me to see the treachery of humanity in the depths of me. Precious wisdom has been earned in the awareness of this evil that lurks within.

These lessons were hiding in plain sight. But in order for me to see them my prideful blinders needed to be removed. It was only the pain of my circumstance that could do the trick. God alone knew this. In His sovereign purpose and love for me, He allowed just that to be. He does know what’s best for me! Especially when I get so good at hiding that myself can’t even see.

It takes a mighty shake to make the sinner wake. Praise the King of kings that He did this for me! A game changer that set me free from my inability to see.

You too can allow your pain to change your game. To elevate your ways from self-advancement to Christ’s pronouncement. Move toward glorification of the King that created, lived among, and even died for you and me. Are you ready to truly see? You’ll have to let Him shake you free!