The Sorrows of My Soul

What I’m about to say is, by society’s standards, anything but manly. Thankfully I am not confined to the world’s definitions! Instead, I commit to the definitions of God, which would certainly call it manly. The obvious reason being that Jesus, the greatest man to ever live, did it all the time. Jesus wept. It is the most honest and courageously wholehearted thing for anyone to ever do, and is therefore manly above just about anything else!

Anyways…

Last night in bed (can’t get much more vulnerable than this) I spent some time weeping. Weeping because of, well, life. It’s been rough on me! It just has!

I spent time weeping for my younger self. For all the unnecessary pain I faced, on top of the obvious. For how cruel and unaware the world can be towards suffering. Weeping for the desperate grasping for significance I went through, even while knowing I already had it in Christ! Weeping for the pointless search for validation because I didn’t have enough voices assuring me that Duchenne didn’t define me by any means!

Don’t get me wrong, I had voices telling me that. I did, and I still do! But it was never nearly as many as you would think. That may be hard to hear, but it’s true! I had my wonderful family, my handful of amazing lifelong friends, and a few choice others that regularly, continually assured me of the truths that I was no different than anyone else and I was so much more than my physical cage of captivity. I had others who offered the occasional kind word of encouragement. And that was about it.

Looking back, I now know that I needed as many people as often as possible to have been telling me these things. Yet, I am not bitter that I lacked enough reassuring voices. And how could I be?! People have their own things going on. Their own worries, their own insecurities, as impertinent as they may be. Believe me, I get it, no matter what it is, our personal struggles are personal and are not to simply be shrugged off. I mean, this is the first time living life for all of us!

Further, I wept over specific moments in my life. I wept for every time there was a 7 year old kid that said, “Hey buddy, do you need any help?” to an 11 year old me at the ballpark. I wept for the time when a guy several years older than me called me a cripple because he thought it would be funny in high school.

I wept over the time in middle school when a classmate pestered me for my nervousness in public speaking, not because I lacked confidence, but because I dreaded drawing attention to my own frailty (shedding tears as I wrote this). I wept because it bothered me so much that I conveniently fled to the bathroom as my turn for a certain presentation approached.. and never came back to the class. I later gave the presentation to the teacher in private.

I wept over the time an art teacher was scolding the class for wasting time and jokingly said, “Right Logan?” while, because of my weakness, I was really far behind on a project (today I wouldn’t even be able to do it). She meant it to be poking fun between friends, but had no idea just how ashamed I was of my condition. I broke out in tears right then and there, in front of everyone. She took me to the side and genuinely apologized, but offered me no real solace because of how much it had taken her off guard. What was she supposed to do?!

I also wept over the fruitless romantic pursuits of my school years. Typically for reasons outside of my control. I had all the confidence, drive, and passion that’s required. But simply because of how human psychology works (which I’ve only recently learned) I had a severe disadvantage. I wept for the heartache that stretched over many years for the unacknowledged value I could add to a girl’s life because as far as she could tell I’d be the one needing value added. (Though no one is able to actually add any value to anyone besides God). I wept for the confusion and lack of confidence it created in a developing me.

I wept for the uncertainty I roamed around in for years as to whether others saw me or DMD, that the wheelchair might be how others labeled me. I wept for the determined effort I devoted myself to in order to prove just how equally independent I was to my peers. For my foolish refusal of the many forms of help that were available to me that would’ve made my life so much easier, had I been more humble to accept. I wept for the complicated and stressful schedule that these refusals unnecessarily created. For my dismissal of my parents’ wise advice to take the help, so I could instead accomplish my irrational quest for normalcy. I wept over the OCD tendencies I wasted so much time torturing myself with in order to achieve that. And I wept for the painful, frustrating toll that I know it put on my family. For the bitterness that my siblings and parents sometimes felt because of it.

I spent much time weeping over the fact that it took me so long to realize and put into words so many of these things. Weeping that while I had enough to survive and thrive through the trial, it was not enough to me. I wanted, to the point of worship, more; to be as physically capable as those around me so people could see how awesome the real me was and is. That I was the man, they just couldn’t quite see it.

I deeply groaned for the restoration of health, and if a miracle wasn’t coming I would force that reality on my own. That was the most unhealthy thing for me to do. Unfortunately that habit controlled much of my school years. And so, I wept for the fact that I did so well in school, but was never really doing well personally. I wept that I struggled with suicidal thoughts through what would amount to a little over a decade. And not because I believed life to be hopeless or pointless, but because it would just be easier. I would be free.

Now, you must be thinking, “How in the world has Logan been able to make it through all of this?!?!” Perhaps the next paragraph will suffice as an answer.

Last night I also spent time weeping in thankfulness to the Lord that He has never left me or forsaken me! Weeping for the continual whispers of the still small voice of His Spirit that assured me of my worth in Him! Weeping for the constant growth throughout my walk of faith, making me more into the image of Jesus Christ while He speaks the truth of life in me! I wept for the joy that is still present in my suffering! For the amazing breakthroughs of confidence and victory God has recently provided! I wept for all that He has been preparing me to do. I wept for the reality that my time to minister has come!

All in all, I spent the time weeping in prayerful adoration of the King of Kings! I offered the good, the bad, the painful, and the freeing. And He received it all!

And I know because Psalm 34:18 (MEV) says, “The Lord is near to the broken-hearted, and saves the contrite of spirit.”

I am also assured that Jesus can more than relate as we read, “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from him; he was despised, and we did not esteem him.” in Isaiah 53:3. And His suffering was exponentially worse. Because He took sin and the cross for me, I will take whatever I must to maximize His glory!

Praise God that in every season, at every moment, He was with me and ministering to my sorrowful soul! Even when I didn’t know or see it! As I continue to get older I am seeing all the reasons and purposes for my suffering. How it is meant to change this world for the Kingdom of Christ. And it’s awesome!

You Say, “Raca!”, I Say, “Watch Your Mouth!”

I don’t know about you, but one of the hardest disciplines throughout my life has been refraining from calling or treating others like idiots when I feel like they’re being idiots. Perhaps that seems a little too honest to you. But, I’ve committed myself to a platform of full transparency, and for me to say it in any other way, as harsh as it sounds, would be dishonest and inconsistent. I am far from innocent in this area! And it is humblingly obvious! In fact, full disclosure, I have used words much worse than idiot. Yeah, you know what I mean. Shocking isn’t it?! Not really…

This is just one of the many examples of why I need Jesus, the Messiah, to save my soul and purify my habits! Genuinely examine your life and tell me if you can come to any other conclusion. I’ll leave that there, because if you follow my writing at all you know that I’ve talked extensively about how good we are not, and that we need God to restore us to attain any goodness. If not, you can look through the archives to read what I’ve said on the matter.

Now, back to it. Admittedly, because I’ve had a serious struggle with this, the pronouns in the title should be reversed (but it just didn’t sound as good that way). Thankfully, Jesus himself, knowing the constant error of our human nature and ways, directly addresses our propensity to call others idiots. And not even in a remotely roundabout way! He literally outright tells us, “You know that thing that you do? The thing where you look at another person, a beloved child of God, and are angrily dumbfounded that their understanding doesn’t align with yours. And so, in their presumed stupidity, you curse them and call them an idiot. Yeah that thing! It’s not good, and you’re going to be judged for it.”

Don’t believe me? Then take a look at Matthew 5:22 (AMP), “But I say to you that everyone who continues to be angry with his brother or harbors malice against him shall be guilty before the court; and whoever speaks [contemptuously and insultingly] to his brother, ‘Raca (You empty-headed idiot)!’ shall be guilty before the supreme court (Sanhedrin); and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of the fiery hell.” As you can see, in Jesus’ actual statement He uses the Aramaic word Raca, meaning empty-headed or fool, ala idiot. It was truly a curse word in that day’s culture! The great irony here is that The Lord says that calling someone an idiot is actually idiotic. Christ did not mince His words or dance around our habit of cursing others! Whether we use a “cuss word” or just a “mean word”, the behavior is equally condemned.

Rather than name all of society’s examples of said behavior, as I’m sure you’ve already started considering, I’ll share where it shows up in my own life. That way, maybe you can reflect on yourself as well.

His political commentary is missing certain aspects… idiot!
That player made the wrong decision on that play… idiot!
Her worldview has major holes in it… idiot!
You’re not doing that specific task the way I expect you to… idiot!
They don’t like what I’m saying or doing… idiots!
And more importantly I’m suspicious that they consider me an… idiot!
I’m no idiot!… idiot!
Yes, we are naturally absurd and immature. Like, aren’t those things really, and I mean REALLY, dumb when we actually think about it?!

When I ponder these concepts I am forced to recognize just how misplaced and foolish it is for me to curse men made in God’s image, and bless the Lord, with the same mouth, the same lips, and the same tongue! (James 3:8-10) Boy am I grateful that over the years His Spirit has gradually grown and trained me, through grace, to change the pattern of my words!

By the way, I find that the angrier we are the more apt we are to tear others down with words and names. I’m convinced that that’s part of the reason why anger is to be avoided at all costs, to be saved as the very, very, very last resort. Anger is to be so far down the line that it genuinely appears as though we never actually access it. This is what it means to put off anger! (Colossians 3:8, Ephesians 4:31)

One last thing: Humans are fallible and are therefore capable of real foolishness. It is different to recognize that one is being foolish than it is to outright call them a fool. Although that’s true, it is still ill-advised to share even those sentiments in emotionally charged situations.

Let’s take a look at Proverbs 26:4 (NKJV), “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, Lest you also be like him.”‬‬ What you first have to understand about this verse is that in God’s eyes, the fool is the angry man or woman. Foolishness is equated with anger more than anything else in the Bible. So the verse may as well read, “Do not answer an angry man according to his anger, lest you also be like him.” Of course, you can still be foolish without being angry, so I suppose this is the reason it is worded the way it is. Understanding these things, here is the application: When a person is behaving foolishly, particularly in an angry way, it is best to simply not respond to them. This is so that you don’t say something that you regret. Do not answer, that you may not get riled up, and become angry like the foolish one. The funny thing is, I have seen people quote this verse in conversation with those they perceive to be fools. Unfortunately, that is typically a very poor usage of the verse, because to say the phrase to the other is to arrogantly do the exact opposite of what the phrase is saying. This verse is not meant to be wielded as a weapon to prove others wrong, but is to be taken as advice in preserving yourself from anger, wrath, and malice. In fact, we are meant to lay our weapons down. I think it’s time we start doing just that!

I invite you to take these things to heart, apply them to your lives, and to join me, this year and beyond, in the pursuit of totally refraining from cursing our fellow man, God’s created ones!

Considering the Extremity of our Sinful Potential

One of the themes of my life and writing, as well as Christian life and writing in general, is the prevailing concept that mankind is both capable of and naturally inclined to doing the most horrendous, despicable, and absolutely self-seeking deeds. All of us. And there is no exception! (Romans 3:10-12)

In the context of a world created by a perfect Creator, that leaves us in a hopelessly irredeemable place. At least on our own, that is. The reason being that, in contrast to what I previously stated, God is both entirely holy and entirely loving (which we, obviously, are not). He is therefore completely incapable of and naturally opposed to doing anything even remotely resembling evil. This is true, whether we like it or not! And it’s a consistent, logical, and reality reflecting worldview, so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, whether you agree with it or not.

The fact that, in the context of a perfect Creator, none of us have the ability to save ourselves is what required the redemptive work of Christ. Jesus came to free us from chasing after the unattainable goal of making ourselves right with God. We can’t do it, so He did it for us! The Son of God sacrificed Himself in order for us to have an actual, everlasting relationship with the Lord! Praise the Heavenly Father for His unending love and unmatched grace!

But that’s not what I’m writing about today, at least not directly. Believe me, I would love to be writing directly about that because of the great joy it brings me! If I’m going to write on the good stuff though, I must be willing to write on the ugly stuff as well. So what follows is to be read in the fashion of the words of Jude, one of Jesus’ half brothers, when he wrote, “Beloved, while I was very diligent to write to you concerning our common salvation, I found it necessary to write to you exhorting you to contend earnestly for the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints.”, in Jude‬ ‭1:3‬ ‭(NKJV‬‬). He goes on to address the dangerous teachings of dangerous men who relegate the Kingdom of God down to cheap grace serving as a license to sin (of which, there are multiple ways to do so). How deplorable! How sad!

I mean to contend for the faith in a manner similar to Jude today. I apply the same train of thought and purpose as he in doing so. Please read carefully, I believe these are interpretations of truth you do not want to miss. I remind you, as usual, this is as much, if not more, for me as it is for you.

Consider one more thing before I continue in the nature of the book of Jude. It’s a principle found in two of Jesus’ teachings that He gives almost simultaneously in the Gospel of Matthew (NKJV): He says, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment…”, in Chapter 5, verses 21-22. Later, in verse 28 of the same chapter, Christ says, “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Do you get it? Jesus is telling us that if we’ve ever acted on our anger, sinfully, towards another person, we may as well have committed murder! And He’s also letting us know that if we’ve ever sensually desired another person outside of a covenant relationship, it is as though we have committed adultery!

That tells me, as it ought to tell you as well, this: The presence of even the most minuscule root of sin symptoms leaves us guilty of the potential for the most heinous of sins. Therefore, guilty above all else, and above all others!

In fact, so guilty are we, I’m willing to bet that everyone reading this post has committed one of the two things we just discussed, either inappropriate anger or wandering eyes, in just the last week! Let’s be real, if you’re more like me, it was likely today!

Now back to the book of Jude, where he begins writing about specific attitudes attributable to an abandoning of God’s true Kingdom economy.

“Woe to them! For they have gone in the way of Cain, have run greedily in the error of Balaam for profit, and perished in the rebellion of Korah.” Jude‬ ‭1:11‬ (‭NKJV‬‬)

Earlier I made mention that there are several ways for men to falsely cheapen the grace of God. Verse 11 is a clear example of this. As I dig into these three false teacher attitudes you’ll recognize that they are all rooted in the pursuit of setting oneself up as your own God. Which, if you know the story of the Tower of Babel, is an extremely bad idea! By the way, I find it necessary to add that the Pharisees of old were largely guilty of all the following subtleties.

First, The Way of Cain:
You can read of this in Genesis 4:1-10. The problem with what Cain did is that in his offering to the Lord he relied on his own efforts rather than the blood of the lamb provided by God. This was a functional attempt at saving himself through personal righteousness.
This is an abusive adulteration of God’s grace, which instead teaches Christ alone can save us! It is an example of setting yourself up as God because it assumes that you have the power of salvation.
Interestingly (and dangerously) enough, each of the three deceptions we are covering are hard to recognize in ourselves as they are disguised beneath an aspect of truth. In Cain’s case it hides within the truth that faith without works is dead (James 2:17-26). The behavior he exhibited twists that truth so that it caters to the pride of life (1 John 2:16) because he desired to be rewarded, ultimately, for his accomplishments.
Yes, the Lord has called us to works of righteousness, a fruit or proof of our salvation, but as soon as you take pride in accomplishing those things you are dancing with false teachings. Beware the man who perceives he has achieved a higher moral status than another, for when you meet him, you have met the spirit of Cain.

On to The Error of Balaam:
The record of his sin can be found in the book of Numbers, chapters 22-24. The issue with the dealings of Balaam was that he postured himself as God’s ordained mouthpiece to extend the curses and blessings of the Lord, and did so to earn dishonest pay. In reality, Balaam intended to bestow a curse on Israel because he was promised an income for doing so, but God intervened and thwarted him by controlling him to speak forth blessings instead. Crazy, right?! He pretentiously connived in order to take advantage of God’s people!
He functionally believed that, for his “skill”, he was worthy of the praise due only to the Father. Sounds familiar doesn’t it, almost like men who promise a bounty of health and wealth if you pay them their respects, because, after all, that’s exactly what Jesus came for, right?…
God’s grace abused and adulterated, taking glory away from the appropriate recipient. Assuming yourself to be an imminent source of blessing and wisdom is to set yourself up as a god.
The truth this lie is hidden in is found in the Gospels and the book of Acts where Jesus, in His almighty power, gives His followers the power to heal. In reality, when there is healing in Christian ministry, it is not the Christian who performs the miracle, but God working through them. His contrarian behavioral truth twisting catered to the lust of the flesh (1 John 2:16) because he pursued being able to get and do whatever he desired.
Be wary of the individual who uses ministry to gain fame, influence, and fortune, for when you see him, you have seen the face of Balaam.

The Rebellion of Korah:
See Numbers 16:1-35. His sin was questioning the leadership of Moses that had been completely guided by God, when he really had nothing substantial to complain about. At one point in verse 3, Korah says this against Moses and Aaron, “You take too much upon yourselves, for all the congregation is holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them. Why then do you exalt yourselves above the assembly of the LORD?” As far as I can tell, he meant well, but he spoke way out of line and thought far more highly of himself than he ought to (Romans 12:3)! It was not his place to publicly criticize the one in command. In function, he was convinced that, because God is no respecter of persons (a phrase meaning impartial), he had no reason to show respect toward any person.
It is an abusive adulteration of the Father’s grace for it ignores the fact that the sacrifice of Christ has freed us from all competition. To assume that your discernment of others’ motives, behaviors, and position is infallible is to set yourself up as God.
He was catering to the lust of the eyes (1 John 2:16) by twisting the truth of equality of all believers before the eyes of the Almighty, despite our differing gifts and roles (1 Corinthians 12) because he saw the opportunity to gain a foothold of power.
Nowhere do we read that it’s appropriate to undermine another follower of Christ when we dislike or disagree with them. Instead we are to work towards unity at all costs and to separate, only, as the very last resort. Beware the man who seeks to usurp his positional superiors in order to remove or replace them, for when you hear him, you have heard the voice of Korah.

Now that you understand the nature of the misdeeds of these men, and their manifestations, let me add another spin on them. In 1 Timothy 4:1, Paul speaks about doctrines of demons that will become pervasive in the latter days. The teaching that most key into when it comes to that phrase, is that of: “God has saved us, His grace is more than sufficient, because of that it’s OK if you keep on sinning. He has already forgiven you, we are totally free from accountability. We are all in a process, eventually your behavior will naturally line up with your faith all on its own.” That lie is exposed in Romans 5:20-6:14. And that lie is actually a manipulation of the truth of sanctification found in a number of Paul’s writings. Don’t get me wrong, that false teaching is absolutely a demonic doctrine. But it’s the one that’s easiest to recognize, it doesn’t take much to see how that is inconsistent with biblical scripture. Anyone can take notice of just how illogical and incomplete that conclusion is. It simply is not reconcilable with the God-ordained laws of justice. When the price is paid, the redeemed act redeemed.

Rarely do we view the deceptions of Cain, Balaam, and Korah in the same light though. That has left us even more prone to these subtler demon doctrines. We must be just as careful with these mindsets as we are with the others. And we need to call out and challenge those mentalities in our churches. The lascivious and the self-righteous are both a step away from falling away.

From there, Jude lists a number of behaviors that can be used as fruit evidence to identify individuals that have been influenced by the three above mentioned deceptions. The appearance of the following habits will reveal whether someone’s way of thinking has been tainted by doctrines of demons or not.

The Lord is coming again “to execute judgment upon all, and to convict all the ungodly of all the ungodly deeds they have done in an ungodly way, and of all the harsh and cruel things ungodly sinners have spoken against Him. These people are [habitual] murmurers, griping and complaining, following after their own desires [controlled by passion]; they speak arrogantly, [pretending admiration and] flattering people to gain an advantage.” – Jude‬ ‭1:15-16‬ ‭(AMP‬‬) Feel free to cross-reference these verses with other properly translated Bible versions in order to solidify its meaning in your personal understanding.

The sin behaviors that Jude mentions will be judged by God at the end of days make up a very surprising list. One that ought to convict us all! It reveals to me that, at a certain point in time, and often even to this day, we have all behaved and continue to behave in a manner similar to apostates. To be an apostate simply means to purposely rebel against God‘s perfect standard even after hearing and understanding the Truth of His Word. Have we not all at least unintentionally rebelled against God’s standard? Do we not all still do this? If we are honest, the answer is yes to both questions. We are all sinners. And we have all, at some point, willfully walked in sin, albeit unintentional at times, even after knowing the truth. Therefore, we are all near apostates. The only people God saves are men with the nasty potential for apostasy! The man who does not recognize or admit his potential for apostasy is in danger of becoming an apostate.

Now back to the list in these verses, so that I can make more sense of what I’m saying if you’re struggling with it. Have you ever constantly complained about the behavior of others or specific personal circumstances? Have you ever been so controlled by your personal opinions and impulsive conclusions that you are unable to keep your mouth shut? Have you ever, knowingly or unknowingly, spoken arrogantly, harshly hardening your speech? Have you ever spoken in a manipulative way in order to get a certain response or reward from another person?

Jude goes on furthermore, “But you, beloved, remember the words which were spoken before by the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ: how they told you that there would be mockers in the last time who would walk according to their own ungodly lusts. These are sensual persons, who cause divisions, not having the Spirit.” Jude‬ ‭1:17-19‬ (‭NKJV‬‬)

Have you ever, while assuming all your personal perceptions and interpretations are only ever correct, belligerently mocked another man, be he godly or ungodly? Which, by the way, is considered to be a mocking of God (James 3:8-10). In doing so have you caused at least an inkling (likely more) of unnecessary division between a group of people, dare I say, even among brothers and sisters of Christ? To do so caters to all the natural tendencies of the flesh!

I for one, know that I have done all the deeds I have mentioned in this article in some form or another. Therefore, I must admit to the fact that I have walked in a behavior pattern similar to that of an apostate. Are there any others brave enough to humble themselves before God and join me in admitting to this? The verses are clear, do you believe them?

I close by repeating a pertinent earlier statement: The man who does not recognize or admit his potential for apostasy is in danger of becoming an apostate.

Thankfully, in the severe extremity of our sinful potential, we have not been left there. God sent His only Son in the humble form of a baby boy, Emmanuel, God with us. That boy grew up to be the perfect God-man, Jesus Christ, who sacrificed His sinless self on a cross to be the propitiation for mankind’s sin. He is the Messiah, the Savior, for all who receive Him! He redeemed us, covered us in His righteousness, and made it possible for us to be relationally intimate with the Father! And, sealed with the Holy Spirit, it will be that way for all of eternity! God is good. God is gracious to us. Walk in His ways.