Lessons In Hiding

As I previously wrote, you know that the principle of “Community through Confession” proves that exposure in fact brings us closer. It is for this reason that I am so honest in my writing. As I have grown older I have developed a policy of complete transparency. Extreme honesty is a most sincere aim of mine. This has not always been the case though. I have actually spent quite a bit of my life hiding parts of myself from the light. So I am making an effort to detail my personal lessons in hiding.

Simply put, for the longest time I hid what I deemed to be the ugliest parts of me. Parts of me I refused to admit to others existed. I was all too aware that they were there, but was too self-serving to care to reveal them. I did not mind sustaining an image that didn’t quite match with reality.

So, what is it that I had been so ashamed of that I figured it was better off hidden? It was (and still is when I’m being particularly prideful) largely my physical inadequacies and their impending implications. The obvious insufficiencies were clearly seen, so it became my goal to draw as much attention as possible away from the effects that require a little more thought to recognize. (Ironically my efforts often did the opposite.) Hiding things like heading to the restroom, because if it was noticed it would draw attention to my need for assistance.

And that was just the beginning. The hiding made its way into my avoidance of certain social interactions, the manner in which I dressed, and even the way I presented myself. I can find no words to properly detail these things in a way that would make more sense to you. That’s how irrational it truly was.

To elicit an appearance of complete normalcy required me to play quite the part. A part I didn’t actually need to play. People couldn’t care less about my differences, at least not really. And if they did that was a problem of their own.

Nonetheless, I simply didn’t trust others would even remotely understand my experiences and resulting perspective. In fact, at many points I still don’t. And why should I? I’ve been disappointed before. The selfishness that runs rampant through humanity informed my way and proved my point. But the sinful tendencies of others should’ve never dictated my behavior. My decisions to do so actually exposed my own selfishness found in my extreme self-occupation.

As I’ve said in the past, the trial of Duchenne has been an amplifier of sin. Both for me and my closest loved ones. Imagine multiple people, with differing personalities, and very different momentary priorities in mind, directly relying on each other for the simplest of daily tasks. It’s a sure recipe for nearly endless frustrated eruptions.

This emotional and relational chaos was another thing I hid. Pretending all was well in Shannonland, when we would often be holding on by a thread. What purpose would it serve if others knew? Their picture of perfect Christian perseverance would be torn in two. I wouldn’t be what I want the world to see. I wouldn’t be what they’d already assumed they’d seen in me. As you can see, I had to learn to stop taking myself so seriously.

In the end, my quest to hide my physical inadequacies revealed to me my spiritual atrocities. Covering up the outward was an extension of trying to cover up the inward. The extremity of DMD forced me to see the treachery of humanity in the depths of me. Precious wisdom has been earned in the awareness of this evil that lurks within.

These lessons were hiding in plain sight. But in order for me to see them my prideful blinders needed to be removed. It was only the pain of my circumstance that could do the trick. God alone knew this. In His sovereign purpose and love for me, He allowed just that to be. He does know what’s best for me! Especially when I get so good at hiding that myself can’t even see.

It takes a mighty shake to make the sinner wake. Praise the King of kings that He did this for me! A game changer that set me free from my inability to see.

You too can allow your pain to change your game. To elevate your ways from self-advancement to Christ’s pronouncement. Move toward glorification of the King that created, lived among, and even died for you and me. Are you ready to truly see? You’ll have to let Him shake you free!